Orbler
Byron Twain
Brenton
Dexter
Jeanne Dininni
Shilpa KarhikMy Name
June 18th 2007 00:42
I have been branded a letter,
sometimes followed by a minus or a plus;
I have seen myself the reflection of a short stocky man
and of a woman who willingly believes
I'd graced every backseat of fast cars;
I was the temperamental bully, using force with every demand;
a vivacious figure with shocking things to say and do
- all clapped their mouths with their proper hands;
I have been called a foul-mouthed bitch by backstabbing tratiors,
been told to go home to my barbecued dogs
and leave the fish and chips behind to the true blue Skips;
I have seen myself as a man and horse,
shooting stars across the sky with my bow and arrow,
basing my identity on books, cards, palms, numbers...
I have been many things
but I've never been my name.
-Aimzster.
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Comment by David
I love its opening and closing.
At the risk of getting in deep shit (again) from the writing and poetic experts on Orble for offering some suggestions, which are only designed to improve someone's poetry, not shoot them down in a tirade of abuse?
If you get the cadence right? You'll have a perfect poem.
How do you get the cadence right?
Read it out aloud to yourself, and determine for yourself if the words are lyrical or a bit staccato (a bit stop and start). Think of the poem as somethng set to music.
Consider the difference in cadence between:
and
I've been so many things.
To me? The former is like someone plodding clumsily down the stairs. (Which might be your intention, so it if is? Disregard this comment). The latter is someone descending gracefully.
The final line?
It's not only graceful. It gives the poem its finishing stitch (like the final stitch of a thread which holds the whole garment together).
And that's why, to me, the penultimate line needs to be just as graceful. They should meld and blend into each other gracefully. As gracefully as a master seamstress puts the finishing touches on a garment.
Don't worry. If you don't agree, and get extremely upset? I'm accustomed to a tirade of abuse. I can handle it.
Contrary to popular Orble opinion? I'm interested in encouraging poetry.
I guess I could always apologise for knowing a bit about poetry? To soften the blow of constructive criticism? Na, it's just not my style.
Take it or leave it. Make what you like of it. If people can't handle constructive criticism? I can't help them. They're beyond help, and beyond advancement. They want to live in their own rut?
If people miscontrue constructive criticism as an attack? I don't want anything to do with them. In my opinion, they don't want to learn a thing.
Comment by Aimzster
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Thanks for your comment. And don't worry - I don't take criticism to heart. I've had to endure 3 years of taking and giving criticism during my creative writing course.
Your comment re opening and closing was good. And when I read it out loud, 'I've been so many things' sound better. But from memory, I think the reason why I put 'I have been' in the closing was to end the poem in a circle as the first line is also 'I have been'. Another reason was also the original title of the pome was 'I have been' but in the end, I deduced that this sounded too weak for a title.
I actually wrote this poem as an impulse - didn't put much thought into it, how the words should be constructed, etc, just wanted to put my thoughts and feelings down.
Comment by David
that's exactly how I write poetry. So all is good.
It's so rare to write a perfect poem on impulse, and yet poems written on impulse are generally closer to perfect than the ones we agonsise over before putting our fingers to the keyboard.
The only point I'm making is, I edit my own impulse poetry, but mainly for cadence, not to edit out the original thought or impulse behind the poem. What's the point of that? I'd never write any poetry.
So, it's a pleasant change on Orble to find a poet who doesn't take offence to constructive criticism.
To me? This is already a very good poem. It just needs a couple of tweaks to make it a great poem.
David ...
Comment by Aimzster
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Frankly, I don't like writing poems and I'm not a good poet at all but was forced to write them during my writing course, so that's probably the reason why I can take criticism for them. But as for writing short stories, I do admit it's still a bit of a sore spot when someone gives me criticism on them - constructive or not. You can find me standing in front of a room, reading a poem out loud but never one of my stories. How 'bout u?
Comment by DuskDevi
Rucks and Rolls
Rugby World Cup 2007
What's in a name?
...other than am....me?
(...giggle...)
Sorry Aimzster...I'm only joking...sort of...David very often writes a perfect poem on impulse.
In the readers eyes.
Comment by Aimzster
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Comment by DuskDevi
Rucks and Rolls
Rugby World Cup 2007
...no I don't 'do' poetry.
...very much enjoy reading it but I'm not given to writing poetic prose.